Girls and Friendships: What Boys with Autism Need to Know
If you're a teen boy with autism (or the parent of one), you've probably noticed that making friends with girls can feel especially confusing and complicated.
The unwritten rules are different. The communication styles are different. And there's the added layer of wondering: Is she being friendly, or does she like me? Am I being creepy? What if I misread the situation?
These questions can be paralysing—so paralysing that many boys avoid talking to girls altogether, which means they miss out on half the potential friendships available to them.
Here's the truth: girls can be amazing friends. They're not a different species, and you don't need to be a mind reader to connect with them. You just need to understand a few key differences in communication styles and social expectations.
In this guide, we'll break down everything you need to know about making and keeping friendships with girls—without the confusion, anxiety, or awkwardness.
Why This Topic Matters
Most social skills advice for neurodivergent boys focuses on making friends with other boys. But that leaves out half the picture.
Here's why learning to be friends with girls is important:
Girls make up 50% of potential friends – Why limit yourself to only half the population?
Different perspectives – Girls often have different interests, communication styles, and ways of thinking that can enrich your life
Practice for romantic relationships – If you want to date girls eventually, being friends with them first helps you understand how they think and communicate
Workplace skills – You'll work with women your entire career; learning to communicate comfortably with girls now will help you professionally later
It's just normal – Having friends of different genders is a normal, healthy part of life
But here's what we need to address upfront: this is one of the most anxiety-inducing topics for teen boys who are on the autism spectrum.
Why? Because the social rules around boy-girl interactions are incredibly unclear, constantly changing, and heavily policed by peers. One wrong move and you're labelled "creepy" or "weird"—and that label can stick.
So let's break down the rules clearly, step by step, so you can build genuine friendships with girls without the fear and confusion.
The Biggest Difference: How Girls and Boys Communicate
Before we get into specific strategies, you need to understand the fundamental difference in how many girls and boys communicate.
This is a generalisation—not all girls communicate this way, and not all boys communicate differently—but understanding these patterns will help you navigate most situations.
How Many Boys Communicate
Direct and literal – Say what you mean, mean what you say
Activity-based bonding – Friendships form around doing things together (gaming, sports, building things)
Less emotional sharing – Talk about facts, interests, activities more than feelings
Banter and teasing – Friendly insults and rough play are signs of affection
Problem-solving focus – When someone shares a problem, offer solutions
How Many Girls Communicate
Indirect and nuanced – Often hint at things rather than stating them directly
Conversation-based bonding – Friendships form through talking, sharing, and emotional connection
More emotional sharing – Talk about feelings, relationships, personal experiences
Supportive and validating – Compliments and emotional support are signs of affection
Empathy focus – When someone shares a problem, offer understanding and validation before solutions
Why This Matters for Boys
If you have social challenges, you probably already struggle with indirect communication and reading between the lines. Add in the differences in how girls typically communicate, and it can feel like you're trying to decode a foreign language.
The good news? Once you understand the patterns, you can learn the "translation rules"—just like learning any other language.
Friendship vs. Romantic Interest: How to Tell the Difference
This is the question that causes the most anxiety: Is she just being friendly, or does she like me?
Let's clear this up with some concrete guidelines.
Signs She's Being Friendly (Not Romantic)
She talks to you the same way she talks to other people in the group
She mentions other boys she's interested in or dating
She includes you in group activities but doesn't seek you out one-on-one
She talks about you like a "friend" or "mate" to others
Her body language is open but not specifically focused on you (she's not leaning in, making extended eye contact, or finding excuses to touch you)
Signs She Might Be Interested Romantically
She goes out of her way to talk to you or be near you
She asks personal questions about your life, interests, and feelings
She remembers small details you've mentioned
She finds excuses to touch you (playful arm touches, sitting close, etc.)
She laughs at your jokes (even the ones that aren't that funny)
She texts you first and keeps conversations going
She suggests hanging out one-on-one, not just in groups
The Golden Rule: When in Doubt, Assume Friendship
Here's the safest approach: unless a girl explicitly tells you she's interested romantically, assume she wants to be friends.
Why? Because:
It's better to miss a romantic opportunity than to make someone uncomfortable
Friendships can naturally develop into romantic relationships over time
If she is interested, she'll likely make it more obvious or tell you directly
Treating her as a friend first builds trust and comfort
If you're genuinely unsure and it's important to you, you can ask a trusted friend (preferably a girl) to help you interpret the signals. But in most cases, start with friendship and see where it goes.
How to Start a Friendship With a Girl
The process of making friends with girls is actually very similar to making friends with boys—with a few key adjustments.
Step 1: Find Common Interests
Just like with boys, friendships start with shared interests. Look for girls who:
Are in the same classes, clubs, or activities as you
Like the same games, shows, books, music, or hobbies
Are part of the same friend group
Share your sense of humour
Important: Don't assume girls won't be interested in "boy things" like gaming, sports, science, or tech. Many girls love these things—and they're often thrilled to find boys who will talk to them about shared interests without being condescending.
Step 2: Start With Low-Pressure Interactions
Don't try to go from zero to best friends overnight. Start small:
Say hi when you see her
Make a comment about something you're both experiencing ("That test was hard, right?")
Ask a question related to class or an activity you're both in
Compliment something specific and appropriate (her artwork, her presentation, her gaming skills—not her appearance)
Step 3: Use the "Trading Information" Technique
This is a technique from the PEERS® Program. Share a small piece of information about yourself, then ask a related question.
Examples:
"I'm so tired today—I stayed up way too late playing Elden Ring. Do you play any games?"
"I'm thinking about joining the robotics club. Are you in any clubs?"
"I'm obsessed with this new anime—have you seen it?"
This technique works well with girls because it shows you're willing to share about yourself (which builds trust) while also showing interest in them.
Step 4: Listen More, Talk Less
This is where boys with autism struggle—and where friendships with girls often break down.
Many people (especially boys) on the autism spectrum tend to:
Talk at length about their special interests
Give lots of information and facts
Not notice when the other person is losing interest
Not ask questions back
With girls, this is especially problematic because girls tend to bond through reciprocal conversation—taking turns sharing, asking questions, and showing interest in each other.
The 50/50 rule: Try to keep conversations roughly balanced—50% you talking, 50% her talking. If you've been talking for more than a minute or two, pause and ask her a question.
Step 5: Show Interest in Her Life
Girls often feel like boys only want to talk about themselves or their interests. Stand out by genuinely asking about her life:
"How was your weekend?"
"How did your presentation go?"
"You mentioned you were stressed about that thing—how did it turn out?"
"What are you working on in art class?"
And here's the key: remember what she tells you and follow up later. This shows you actually care and were listening.
Common Mistakes Boys Make (and How to Avoid Them)
Let's address the mistakes that can make girls uncomfortable or cause friendships to fail—often without the boy even realising what went wrong.
Mistake 1: Talking Only About Your Interests
Why it's a problem: It makes the girl feel like you're not interested in her as a person—you just want an audience.
What to do instead: Use the 50/50 rule. After you share something about your interest, ask her about hers. If she doesn't seem interested in your topic, switch to something else or ask about her interests.
Mistake 2: Giving Unsolicited Advice or Corrections
Why it's a problem: When a girl shares a problem or talks about something she's interested in, jumping in with advice or corrections can come across as condescending or dismissive—like you think you know better than her.
What to do instead: Listen first. Validate her feelings: "That sounds really frustrating" or "That's so cool that you're into that." Only offer advice if she specifically asks for it.
Mistake 3: Complimenting Appearance Too Much (or Inappropriately)
Why it's a problem: Girls get comments about their appearance constantly, and it can make them feel objectified or uncomfortable—especially from boys they don't know well.
What to do instead: Compliment her skills, talents, ideas, or personality instead:
"Your drawing is amazing—how did you learn to do that?"
"You're really good at explaining things"
"That was a really clever solution"
"You have a great sense of humour"
If you do compliment appearance, keep it specific and appropriate: "Cool shoes" or "I like your backpack" is fine. "You look hot" or comments about her body are NOT okay.
Mistake 4: Standing Too Close or Touching Without Permission
Why it's a problem: Girls are often hyper-aware of their physical space and safety, especially around boys. Invading personal space or touching without consent can make them very uncomfortable.
What to do instead: Maintain a comfortable distance (about an arm's length). Don't touch her unless she initiates it or you have a close friendship where it's clearly okay. If you're unsure, just don't touch.
Mistake 5: Misinterpreting Politeness as Romantic Interest
Why it's a problem: Girls are often socialised to be polite, friendly, and accommodating—even when they're not interested. Males sometimes misinterpret this politeness as romantic interest, which can lead to awkward or uncomfortable situations.
What to do instead: Remember the golden rule: assume friendship unless she explicitly indicates otherwise. If she's being nice to you, it probably just means she's a nice person—not that she wants to date you.
Mistake 6: Getting Upset or Angry When She's Not Interested
Why it's a problem: This is one of the fastest ways to ruin a friendship and get a reputation as "that guy." Girls talk to each other, and if you react badly to rejection, word will spread.
What to do instead: If you develop romantic feelings and she doesn't feel the same way, accept it gracefully: "No worries, I understand. I still think you're cool and I'd like to stay friends if that's okay with you." Then actually stay friends—don't disappear or treat her differently.
Mistake 7: Oversharing Too Soon
Why it's a problem: While girls do tend to share more emotionally than boys, there's a progression. Sharing very personal or intense information too early can feel overwhelming or inappropriate.
What to do instead: Match her level of sharing. If she's talking about surface-level things (school, hobbies, weekend plans), keep your sharing at that level. As the friendship deepens, you can gradually share more personal things.
How to Keep a Friendship With a Girl
Starting a friendship is one thing—maintaining it is another. Here's how to keep the friendship going.
1. Stay in Touch Regularly
Girls tend to expect more regular communication than boys do. If you only talk to her when you happen to see her at school, she might think you're not really interested in being friends.
What to do:
Text or message her occasionally (not constantly—once every few days is fine)
Share memes, articles, or videos related to your shared interests
Ask how she's doing, especially if you know she has something important coming up
2. Remember Important Things
Girls really value when you remember details about their lives. It shows you care and were actually listening.
What to do:
If she mentions a test, performance, or event, follow up afterwards: "How did your piano recital go?"
Remember her birthday (set a reminder if you need to)
Remember her interests and bring them up: "Did you see the new episode of that show you like?"
3. Be Supportive (Not Just Problem-Solving)
When a girl shares a problem or something she's upset about, she's usually looking for empathy and validation—not necessarily solutions.
What to do:
Listen without interrupting
Validate her feelings: "That sounds really hard" or "I can see why you're upset"
Ask if she wants advice before giving it: "Do you want me to help you think of solutions, or do you just need to vent?"
4. Invite Her to Do Things
Don't wait for her to always initiate plans. Take turns suggesting activities:
Group hangouts (less pressure than one-on-one early in the friendship)
Activities related to shared interests (going to a gaming event, seeing a movie, studying together)
Casual, low-key plans (getting food, going to the library, hanging out at the park)
5. Respect Her Boundaries
If she says no to plans, seems busy, or needs space, respect that without making her feel guilty.
What to do:
"No worries, maybe another time!"
Don't bombard her with messages if she's not responding quickly
Don't pressure her to share things she's not comfortable sharing
If she says she's not interested in something (a topic, an activity, a relationship), believe her and move on
Navigating Group Dynamics With Girls
Girls often socialise in groups, and the dynamics can be different from boy groups.
What to Know About Girl Groups
They're more emotionally close – Girls in friend groups often share a lot of personal information and emotional support
There can be more social complexity – Conflicts, alliances, and social hierarchies can be more subtle and nuanced
Inclusion matters a lot – Being left out or excluded can be very hurtful in girl groups
They communicate a lot – Group chats, texting, and social media are major parts of how girl groups stay connected
How to Navigate Mixed-Gender Groups
Don't dominate the conversation – Make sure everyone gets a chance to talk
Don't make sexist jokes or comments – Even if you think they're funny, they can make girls uncomfortable
Include everyone – If someone seems left out, bring them into the conversation
Be aware of group chat etiquette – Don't spam, don't send inappropriate content, and match the group's communication style
What to Do If You Develop Romantic Feelings
It's completely normal to develop romantic feelings for a girl you're friends with. Here's how to handle it.
Option 1: Tell Her (If You're Ready for Potential Consequences)
If you genuinely think she might feel the same way and you're willing to risk the friendship, you can tell her.
How to do it:
Choose a private moment (not in front of others)
Be direct but respectful: "I really like spending time with you, and I've started to have feelings for you. Would you be interested in going on a date sometime?"
Accept her answer gracefully, whatever it is
If she says no, give her space for a bit, then try to return to normal friendship if possible
Option 2: Wait and See
If you're not sure how she feels or you're not ready to risk the friendship, you can wait and see if she shows signs of interest.
What to do:
Continue being a good friend
Look for signs she might be interested (see the list earlier in this guide)
Give it time—sometimes feelings develop naturally over time
Option 3: Move On
If she's clearly not interested or you value the friendship too much to risk it, you can choose to move on from the romantic feelings.
What to do:
Spend less time with her for a while if you need space to get over the feelings
Focus on other friendships and activities
Remind yourself that friendship is valuable too—you don't have to date someone to have them in your life
Red Flags: When a "Friendship" Isn't Healthy
Not all friendships are good friendships. Here are signs that a friendship with a girl might not be healthy:
She only talks to you when she needs something (help with homework, emotional support, etc.) but isn't there for you
She makes fun of you in front of others or uses you as the butt of jokes
She's hot and cold—super friendly one day, ignoring you the next, with no explanation
She flirts with you but says she's "just friends" when you ask, then continues the flirty behaviour (this is called "leading someone on" and it's not okay)
She shares your private information with others without permission
She pressures you to do things you're not comfortable with
If a friendship feels one-sided, confusing, or hurtful, it's okay to step back or end it.
Real-Life Example: How Sam* Learned to Be Friends With Girls
Sam* (15, autism) was terrified of talking to girls because he'd been called "weird" once in Year 7, and the label had stuck.
He avoided eye contact, didn't know what to say, and assumed every girl thought he was weird. His mum was worried he'd never learn to interact comfortably with girls, which would impact his social life and future relationships.
Through our PEERS® coaching, Sam learned:
- How to start conversations with girls using shared interests (he found out several girls in his class loved the same games he did)
- The difference between friendly and romantic interest (which reduced his anxiety about "getting it wrong")
- How to listen and ask questions instead of just talking about his interests
- Appropriate ways to compliment and show interest without being inappropriate
Within a few months, Sam had made friends with three girls in his gaming club. He told us, "I used to think girls were impossible to understand. Now I realise they're just people who communicate a bit differently. Once I learned the 'translation,' it got so much easier."
Sam's mum said, "The change has been incredible. He's so much more confident, and he's finally experiencing normal, healthy friendships with girls. I'm not worried about him getting it ‘wrong’ anymore."
Key Takeaways
Girls can be amazing friends—don't limit yourself to only male friendships
Communication styles differ—girls tend to be more indirect, emotionally expressive, and conversation-focused
Assume friendship unless told otherwise—don't misinterpret politeness as romantic interest
Listen more, talk less—aim for 50/50 conversation balance
Show genuine interest in her life—ask questions, remember details, follow up
Respect boundaries—physical space, emotional sharing, and her "no" to anything
Avoid common mistakes—talking only about yourself, giving unsolicited advice, inappropriate compliments
Friendships take effort—stay in touch, make plans, be supportive
It's okay to have romantic feelings—just handle them respectfully
Not all friendships are healthy—it's okay to step back from one-sided or hurtful relationships
Need Help Navigating Friendships and Social Situations?
If you're a teen struggling to make friends with girls (or anyone), or if you're a parent worried about your son's social development, you're not alone.
At Strivesocial, we specialise in teaching teens the specific, concrete social skills they need to build genuine friendships—including navigating the unique challenges of cross-gender friendships.
Our PEERS® Program breaks down the unwritten social rules step by step, so you don't have to guess or figure it out through painful trial and error.
We cover:
How to start and maintain conversations with anyone
How to make and keep friends (including friends of different genders)
How to handle romantic feelings and dating
How to read social cues and body language
How to navigate group dynamics
How to handle rejection, conflict, and misunderstandings
Our one-on-one coaching is personalised to your specific challenges and is fully funded under the NDIS for eligible participants.
Get Support Today
If you'd like to learn more about how we can help you (or your teen) develop the social skills and confidence to build meaningful friendships, we'd love to chat.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your challenges and how we can help.
📞 Phone: 0408 707 866
📧 Email: julie@strivesocial.com.au
🌐 Website: www.strivesocial.com.au
Final Thoughts
Learning to be friends with girls doesn't have to be scary, confusing, or impossible. With the right guidance and practice, you can build genuine, comfortable friendships with girls—friendships that enrich your life and help you become a more well-rounded, socially confident person.
Remember: girls are just people. They have interests, feelings, and experiences just like you do. Once you learn the "translation rules" for how they communicate, everything gets easier.
You've got this. And if you need help, we're here.
