How to Start a Conversation (Even If You're Shy or Anxious)
Starting a conversation can feel absolutely terrifying when you're shy or anxious. Your heart races, your mind goes blank, and you convince yourself that whatever you say will sound stupid or awkward.
Here's the truth: most people feel nervous about starting conversations—even people who seem confident. The difference is that they've learned strategies to push through the nerves and make it easier.
The good news? Starting conversations is a skill you can learn. It's not about being naturally outgoing or having the "perfect" personality. It's about knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to keep the conversation going—even when you're feeling anxious.
In this guide, we'll walk you through simple, practical strategies to start conversations with confidence, whether you're at school, at a party, or meeting new people. These techniques are based on evidence-based social skills principles, and they work for shy, anxious, and introverted people.
Why Starting Conversations Feels So Hard
Before we dive into the "how," let's talk about why starting conversations feels so difficult in the first place.
Common Reasons Conversations Feel Scary
Fear of rejection – What if they don't want to talk to me?
Fear of judgement – What if I say something stupid and they think I'm weird?
Not knowing what to say – My mind goes completely blank when I try to think of conversation starters
Overthinking – I spend so much time planning what to say that the moment passes
Social anxiety – Physical symptoms (racing heart, sweating, shaking) make it even harder
Past negative experiences – I've been ignored or rejected before, so I'm scared to try again
All of these feelings are completely normal. But here's the thing: waiting until you feel confident won't work. Confidence comes after you start practising, not before.
The Golden Rule of Starting Conversations
Here's the most important thing to remember:
Most people want to talk—they're just waiting for someone else to start the conversation.
Think about it: when someone comes up and talks to you, how do you usually feel? Annoyed? Probably not. Most of the time, you're relieved, grateful, or even flattered that they approached you.
Other people feel the same way when you start the conversation. They're not sitting there hoping you'll leave them alone—they're often just as nervous as you are.
Step 1: Choose the Right Moment
Timing matters. Starting a conversation is much easier when you pick the right moment.
Good Times to Start a Conversation
When you're both waiting for something – In line, waiting for class to start, waiting for the bus
During a break or transition – Between classes, at lunch, during halftime at a game
When you're doing the same activity – Both working on the same assignment, both at the same event, both in the same group
When the other person looks approachable – They're not on their phone, not deep in conversation with someone else, not wearing headphones
When you have a natural reason to talk – You need to ask a question, you have something in common, or you're in the same space
Times to Avoid Starting a Conversation
When they're clearly busy (on their phone, reading, doing homework)
When they're in a deep conversation with someone else
When they're wearing headphones or earbuds
When they look upset or stressed
When you're in a rush and can't stay to chat
Step 2: Use a Simple Conversation Starter
You don't need a clever or original opening line. In fact, simple and genuine conversation starters work best.
The Easiest Conversation Starters (That Actually Work)
1. Ask a Question
Questions are the easiest way to start a conversation because they give the other person something specific to respond to.
Examples:
"Do you know what page we're supposed to be on?"
"Have you done the maths homework yet? I'm stuck on question 5."
"Is this seat taken?"
"Do you know what time the assembly starts?"
"Have you been to this café before? What's good here?"
Why it works: Questions are low-pressure and give the other person an easy way to respond.
2. Make a Comment or Observation
Comment on something in your shared environment—something you're both experiencing.
Examples:
"This line is taking forever, isn't it?"
"That test was brutal. Did you find it hard too?"
"I love your shoes—where did you get them?"
"This weather is crazy, right? It was sunny this morning."
"That was such a good goal! Did you see that?"
Why it works: It's relatable and gives you both something to talk about immediately.
3. Give a Genuine Compliment
People love compliments, and they're a great way to start a positive conversation.
Examples:
"I really like your backpack—where did you get it?"
"Your presentation was really good. How did you come up with that idea?"
"That was an awesome goal you scored. Do you play for a club?"
"I love your hair! Did you just get it done?"
Why it works: Compliments make people feel good, and they naturally want to continue the conversation.
Important: Make sure your compliment is genuine and appropriate. Don't compliment someone's body or appearance in a way that could make them uncomfortable.
4. Use the "Trading Information" Technique
This is a technique from the PEERS® Program. You share a small piece of information about yourself, which invites the other person to share something back.
Examples:
"I'm so tired today—I stayed up way too late watching Netflix. Do you ever do that?"
"I'm thinking about trying out for the basketball team. Do you play any sports?"
"I'm obsessed with this new game—have you heard of it?"
"I'm trying to figure out what to do this weekend. Do you have any plans?"
Why it works: Sharing something about yourself makes you seem friendly and approachable, and it gives the other person an easy way to respond.
5. Ask for Help or Advice
People generally like to feel helpful, and asking for advice is a great conversation starter.
Examples:
"I'm trying to decide between these two subjects next year. Which one would you choose?"
"Do you know any good places to study around here?"
"I need a new phone case—do you know where I can get a good one?"
"I'm terrible at chemistry. Do you have any tips for studying for the test?"
Why it works: It makes the other person feel valued and gives you something concrete to talk about.
Step 3: Keep the Conversation Going
Starting the conversation is one thing—keeping it going is another. Here's how to avoid awkward silences and keep the chat flowing.
Use Follow-Up Questions
After the other person responds, ask a follow-up question to show you're interested and keep the conversation alive.
Example:
You: "Did you watch the game last night?"
Them: "Yeah, it was so good!"
You: "I know, right? Who's your favourite player?"
Use the FORD Technique
FORD stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. These are safe, universal topics you can ask about to keep a conversation going.
Family: "Do you have any siblings?" "What does your family usually do on weekends?"
Occupation: "What subjects are you taking?" "Do you have a part-time job?"
Recreation: "What do you do for fun?" "Do you play any sports or instruments?"
Dreams: "What do you want to do after school?" "Have you thought about uni or TAFE?"
Share Your Own Experiences
Don't just ask questions—share things about yourself too. This makes the conversation feel balanced and natural.
Example:
Them: "I play soccer on weekends."
You: "That's cool! I used to play when I was younger, but now I'm more into basketball. Do you play for a club or just for fun?"
Listen Actively
Good conversations aren't just about talking—they're about listening. Show you're paying attention by:
Making eye contact (or looking at their face if eye contact is hard)
Nodding and using small verbal cues like "yeah," "uh-huh," "that's cool"
Asking follow-up questions based on what they said
Not interrupting or planning what you'll say next while they're talking
Step 4: Handle Awkward Moments (Because They Happen)
Even the best conversationalists have awkward moments. Here's how to handle them without panicking.
If There's a Silence
Don't panic. A few seconds of silence is completely normal and not as awkward as you think.
What to do:
Ask a new question on a different topic
Comment on something happening around you
Say something like, "So, what are you up to this weekend?"
If They Give Short Answers
If someone is giving one-word answers, they might be shy, distracted, or just not interested in chatting right now.
What to do:
Try one or two more questions
If they're still not engaging, politely end the conversation: "Anyway, I'll let you get back to it. See you later!"
Don't take it personally—it's not about you
If You Say Something Awkward
We all say awkward things sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
What to do:
Laugh it off: "That came out weird, haha"
Move on quickly—don't dwell on it
Remember that the other person probably won't remember or care as much as you think
Step 5: End the Conversation Gracefully
Knowing how to end a conversation is just as important as knowing how to start one.
How to Exit a Conversation
"Anyway, I've got to get to class. See you later!"
"I should probably get going, but it was nice talking to you!"
"I'm going to grab some food. Catch you later!"
"I need to finish this homework before next period. See you around!"
Why it works: You're giving a reason for leaving (even if it's a small one), and you're ending on a positive note.
Tips for Shy and Anxious People
If you struggle with shyness or anxiety, here are some extra strategies to make starting conversations easier.
1. Start Small
You don't have to have a long, deep conversation right away. Start with small interactions:
Say "hi" to someone in the hallway
Ask a quick question in class
Make a brief comment to someone sitting near you
These small interactions build your confidence over time.
2. Practise at Home
Practise conversation starters out loud at home. It might feel silly, but it helps your brain get used to saying the words, so they come out more naturally in real situations.
3. Focus on the Other Person
When you're anxious, you're usually focused on yourself: "What if I say something dumb? What if they don't like me?"
Instead, shift your focus to the other person: "What might they be interested in? What questions can I ask them?"
This takes the pressure off you and makes the conversation feel less scary.
4. Use a "Conversation Buddy"
If you're at a party or event, bring a friend. It's much easier to start conversations when you have someone with you.
5. Remember: Most People Are Nervous Too
You're not the only one who feels awkward or anxious. Most people are worried about the same things you are. Knowing this can help you feel less alone.
6. Set Small Goals
Don't pressure yourself to become a social butterfly overnight. Set small, achievable goals:
This week, I'll start one conversation
This month, I'll talk to three new people
This term, I'll join one group activity
Celebrate your progress, even if it feels small.
What If Someone Doesn't Want to Talk?
Sometimes, people won't want to chat—and that's okay. It's not about you.
Signs Someone Doesn't Want to Talk
They give very short, one-word answers
They don't ask you any questions back
They look away or seem distracted
They say they're busy or need to go
What to Do
Don't take it personally. There are lots of reasons someone might not want to chat:
They're having a bad day
They're stressed or distracted
They're shy or anxious themselves
They're just not in the mood to talk right now
Politely end the conversation and move on: "No worries, I'll let you get back to it. See you later!"
Then try again with someone else. Not every conversation will go well, and that's completely normal.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
1. Waiting for the "Perfect" Moment
There's no perfect moment. If you wait until you feel 100% ready, you'll never start. Just go for it.
2. Overthinking What to Say
You don't need a clever or original opening line. Simple and genuine is always better.
3. Talking Too Much About Yourself
Balance is key. Share things about yourself, but also ask questions and listen to the other person.
4. Giving Up After One Awkward Conversation
Not every conversation will go smoothly, especially when you're learning. Keep practising—it gets easier.
5. Avoiding Eye Contact Completely
You don't have to stare into someone's eyes the whole time, but try to look at their face occasionally. It shows you're engaged.
Key Takeaways
Starting conversations is a skill you can learn—you don't have to be naturally outgoing
Most people want to talk—they're just waiting for someone to start
Simple conversation starters work best—ask questions, make observations, give compliments
Keep the conversation going with follow-up questions and the FORD technique
Don't panic about awkward moments—they happen to everyone
Start small and build confidence with practice
Not every conversation will go well—and that's okay
Need Help Building Conversation Skills?
If you (or your teen) struggle with starting conversations, making friends, or feeling confident in social situations, you're not alone—and you don't have to figure it out on your own.
The PEERS® Program teaches practical, evidence-based strategies for starting and maintaining conversations, making friends, and navigating social situations with confidence. It's specifically designed for teens and young adults who find social interactions challenging.
At Strivesocial, we help shy, anxious, and neurodivergent teens build the social skills they need to connect with others and feel more confident in everyday situations.
Our one-on-one coaching is personalised to your specific challenges and is fully funded under the NDIS for eligible participants.
Get Support Today
If you'd like to learn more about how we can help you or your teen develop conversation skills and build meaningful friendships, we'd love to chat.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about our PEERS Program and how we can support you.
📞 Phone: 0408 707 866
📧 Email: julie@strivesocial.com.au
🌐 Website: www.strivesocial.com.au
Final Thoughts
Starting conversations might feel scary right now, but it doesn't have to stay that way. With practice, the right strategies, and a bit of courage, you can learn to start conversations with confidence—even if you're shy or anxious.
Remember:
You don't have to be perfect—you just have to try
Most people are nervous too—you're not alone
It gets easier with practice—every conversation is a learning opportunity
Small steps count—celebrate every conversation you start, no matter how brief
You've got this. And if you need help, we're here.
