Why Traditional Social Advice Doesn't Work for Neurodivergent Youth
"Just be yourself!" "Go with the flow!" "Don't overthink it!" If you're the parent of a neurodivergent teen, you've probably heard—and maybe even given—this kind of social advice. But here's the truth: traditional social guidance often fails our young people spectacularly. Here's why, and what actually works instead.
The Problem with "Just Be Natural"
Picture this scenario: Your teenager comes home upset because they tried to join a group conversation at school and it went badly. Your instinct might be to say, "Just relax and be yourself next time!"
But for neurodivergent youth, this advice is like telling someone to "just drive naturally" without ever teaching them the rules of the road.
Why Traditional Advice Falls Short
1. It Assumes Intuitive Social Understanding
Neurotypical children often absorb social rules through observation and natural trial-and-error. They intuitively understand that:
There's a right time to join a conversation
Certain topics are appropriate for certain settings
Body language conveys as much as words
For neurodivergent youth, these "obvious" rules aren't obvious at all. They need explicit instruction, not vague encouragement.
2. It Ignores Cognitive Processing Differences
Traditional advice like "don't overthink it" completely misses how neurodivergent brains work. Many of our young people need:
Concrete steps rather than abstract concepts
Clear rules instead of "go with the flow"
Structured practice rather than "natural" interaction
When we tell them to "stop overthinking," we're asking them to work against their cognitive strengths.
3. It Lacks Specific, Actionable Steps
"Be more social" isn't helpful when you don't know how. It's like telling someone to "be more mathematical" without teaching them numbers.
What Actually Works: The PEERS® Approach
After years of working with neurodivergent youth through the evidence-based PEERS® program, here's what we've learned works:
Concrete, Step-by-Step Instructions
Instead of: "Just join the conversation naturally"
PEERS® teaches: The 10-step process for entering group conversations:
Listen to the conversation
Watch from a distance
Use a prop (something to hold or do)
Identify the topic
Find a common interest
Move closer
Wait for a pause
Mention the topic
Assess interest
Introduce yourself
Clear Rules, Not Vague Guidelines
Instead of: "Be yourself and people will like you"
PEERS® teaches: Specific friendship rules like:
Only hang out with people who are nice to you
Choose friends who share your interests and values
Don't share personal information with acquaintances
Practice in Safe Environments First
Instead of: "Just get out there and try!"
PEERS® approach: Practice new skills with social coaches (parents/carers) first, then gradually apply them in real-world settings with support and feedback.
The Science Behind Structured Social Learning
Research from UCLA shows that when complex social behaviours are broken down into concrete steps, they become manageable for individuals with autism spectrum conditions, ADHD, and executive functioning differences.
The key is avoiding metaphors and figurative language that can confuse neurodivergent learners. Instead of saying "break the ice," we teach specific conversation starters. Instead of "read the room," we teach how to identify conversation topics and assess interest.
Real-World Examples: What This Looks Like
Traditional Advice Scenario: Teen struggles with making friends
Common response: "Just be more outgoing! Join some clubs!"
Result: Teen feels overwhelmed, doesn't know where to start, and experiences more rejection
PEERS® Approach:
Same teen, structured support PEERS® response:
Identify appropriate "sources of friends" (activities with weekly meetings, unstructured social time, accepting peers)
Learn the "trading information" technique for conversations
Practice with social coach first
Apply skills gradually with feedback and support
Result: Teen develops genuine friendships based on shared interests
The Role of Parents and Social Coaches
Traditional advice often puts all the pressure on the young person: "You need to put yourself out there more."
The PEERS® model recognises that neurodivergent youth need ongoing support. Parents and carers become "social coaches," helping to:
Practice skills in safe environments
Provide specific, immediate feedback
Troubleshoot social challenges
Celebrate progress and learning
Common Myths vs. Reality
Myth: "They'll grow out of it."
Reality: Social skills need to be explicitly taught and practiced
Myth: "Forcing social interaction will help."
Reality: Structured, supported practice in safe environments works better
Myth: "They just need more confidence."
Reality: They need specific skills first—confidence follows competence
Red Flags: When Traditional Advice Becomes Harmful
Be cautious if you notice:
Your teen becoming more anxious about social situations
Increased isolation after "just try harder" conversations
Self-blame: "I'm just not good at this"
Avoiding social opportunities altogether
These signs suggest your young person needs structured support, not more pressure.
Moving Forward: A Different Approach
Instead of generic social advice, try:
Break it down: Turn social goals into specific, manageable steps
Practice together: Role-play social situations at home first
Celebrate learning: Acknowledge effort and progress, not just outcomes
Seek evidence-based support: Look for programs that teach concrete social skills
The Bottom Line
Neurodivergent youth aren't failing at social interaction because they're not trying hard enough or because they need to "be more natural." They're struggling because they need different teaching methods that match their learning style.
When we provide concrete, step-by-step instructions with plenty of practice and support, these young people can, and do, develop meaningful friendships and social confidence.
The goal isn't to make them neurotypical—it's to give them the tools they need to navigate social situations successfully while being authentically themselves.
If traditional social advice hasn't worked for your teen you're not alone. Our PEERS® program provides evidence-based, structured social skills training specifically designed for neurodivergent young people. We break down complex social situations into manageable steps and provide the ongoing support your family needs.
Ready to try a different approach?
Phone: 0408 707 866
Email: julie@strivesocial.com.au
Website: www.strivesocial.com.au
NDIS funding available. Online and in-person sessions across Melbourne's outer east.
